The pope was visiting London to meet some of his representatives. His flight got delayed, and he did not want to be late for the meeting. When his flight landed at Heathrow airport, he dashed to his limo outside and instructed the chauffeur to get him to the meeting as fast as he possibly could. Once in the car, the pope kept looking at his watch, getting annoyed at the way this guy insisted on taking his sweet time. Finally, he lost his patience and took the wheel himself, telling the chauffeur to get in back. The pope put it in fifth and they were cruising across the city at a record pace. But a cop caught sight of the speeding limo and instructed it to pull over. As the cop got out of his car and took a look at who was inside the limo he panicked, so he made a call to his superior at the station.
“Sir, we have a situation here with a VIP.”
“Now don’t worry son” his sergeant said, “first we need to establish just how important the person is. Is he more important than the mayor?”
“Oh yes” replied the rookie cop.
“Is he more important than the Prime minister?”
“Uh, yeah”
“Is he more important than the queen?”
“Well, yeah”
“Jeez, just who the hell are we dealing with here?”
“This guy’s on another level, sir. I mean, he has the pope for a driver!”
Hodja joke from Turkey
One day Hodja went to his Mosque to hear a sermon. He took a seat, but no-one had turned up, it was just him and the priest. A little perplexed, the priest asked Hodja if he should proceed with the sermon.
Hodja replied, "I am just a farmer; I am a simple man, so I cannot say what it is correct for you to do. What I can say is that when I go to feed my chickens and only one emerges from the pen to receive the feed, I don't let it go hungry."
Moved by the man's wisdom, the priest began delivering the most impassioned speech of his career. He covered every topic imaginable in the bounds of the religious arena, and some outside of it, gesticulating wildly throughout. After four hours, he finished and asked Hodja what he thought.
Hodja's answer came: "Like I said, I'm a simple man, I don't know these things. What I do know is that when I go to feed my chickens and only one emerges from the pen to receive the feed, I don't give it the whole bucket."
Hodja replied, "I am just a farmer; I am a simple man, so I cannot say what it is correct for you to do. What I can say is that when I go to feed my chickens and only one emerges from the pen to receive the feed, I don't let it go hungry."
Moved by the man's wisdom, the priest began delivering the most impassioned speech of his career. He covered every topic imaginable in the bounds of the religious arena, and some outside of it, gesticulating wildly throughout. After four hours, he finished and asked Hodja what he thought.
Hodja's answer came: "Like I said, I'm a simple man, I don't know these things. What I do know is that when I go to feed my chickens and only one emerges from the pen to receive the feed, I don't give it the whole bucket."
The Doctor
A doctor was walking through the corridors of a hospital with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. A nurse pointed it out to him, at which time he immediately took it out, looked at it, and said "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!"
The gangster
A gangster gave his wife a mink stole for her birthday.
"Wow!" she said upon receiving it, "is it really mink?"
"I dunno, but it's definitely stole"
"Wow!" she said upon receiving it, "is it really mink?"
"I dunno, but it's definitely stole"
The running men
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. After a while, the scientist looked back, stopped running and said to the philosopher, "It's no use friend, cease your exertions. Given the lion's rate of advancement we have no hope."
The philosopher replied, "I didn't think for a second that I could out run the lion. I never needed to. I just need to out run you!"
The philosopher replied, "I didn't think for a second that I could out run the lion. I never needed to. I just need to out run you!"
Bringer of fear and bad news
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
The adventures of fish
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this?"
One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this?"
I won the lottery!
A man comes home excited, and shouts "Honey! You'll never believe it, I won the lottery! Quick, pack your bags"
"Oh sweet" she replies, "should I pack for the beach, or for skiiing, or what?"
"I don't care where you go, just get the hell out!"
Classic joke you may not have heard
Two guys are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing, when they both notice a long funeral procession on the road by the side of the golf course. He stops, falls to his knees, closes his eyes, and puts his hands together in prayer.
His friend is amazed, and says "Wow, that is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man replies "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Did you know that Chuck Norris is so tough he could drown a fish? The only reason each of us woke up alive this morning is because Chuck allowed it!
All of the claims made in this video are true, and are accompanied by proof, albeit in animated form.
In addition, it should be noted that:
When Chuck Norris went to donate blood, he told them to put the needle away; he had come equipped with a rock and a bucket.
When Chuck Norris was denied an egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a f'kin' Burger King!
After filming his famous fight sequence with Bruce Lee, Lee told Chuck that he was easy to beat because his overuse of roundhouse kicks made him predictable. "You question me?", replied Chuck, "now you'll taste the full force of my roundhouse fury!", and socked him in the face. The whole crew witnessed this. "Chuck! You killed Bruce Lee! We told you to be gentle with him, he was worth millions to this studio!", yelled the executives. "Shut the hell up, I'm Chuck Norris!", they were told. Bruce Lee's death officially remains a 'mystery'. Anyone who has tried to speak of the true nature of his demise has been found dead shortly thereafter of roundhouse kick related injuries.
His friend is amazed, and says "Wow, that is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man replies "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Did you know that Chuck Norris is so tough he could drown a fish? The only reason each of us woke up alive this morning is because Chuck allowed it!
All of the claims made in this video are true, and are accompanied by proof, albeit in animated form.
In addition, it should be noted that:
When Chuck Norris went to donate blood, he told them to put the needle away; he had come equipped with a rock and a bucket.
When Chuck Norris was denied an egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a f'kin' Burger King!
After filming his famous fight sequence with Bruce Lee, Lee told Chuck that he was easy to beat because his overuse of roundhouse kicks made him predictable. "You question me?", replied Chuck, "now you'll taste the full force of my roundhouse fury!", and socked him in the face. The whole crew witnessed this. "Chuck! You killed Bruce Lee! We told you to be gentle with him, he was worth millions to this studio!", yelled the executives. "Shut the hell up, I'm Chuck Norris!", they were told. Bruce Lee's death officially remains a 'mystery'. Anyone who has tried to speak of the true nature of his demise has been found dead shortly thereafter of roundhouse kick related injuries.
PWA: Parrot with Attitude
A mild-mannered young man took his seat on a plane to find that he's seated next to a parrot. He decided to settle in to his flight with a beverage, so he asked a male flight attendant to bring him a cup of tea. This flight attendant just happened to be a well-built 250lb scary looking guy.
"And get me a f'kin' heinekin while you're at it" demanded the parrot.
The attendant returned soon afterwards with the beer, but no tea.
"Hey asshole," shouted the parrot after finishing his drink, "get me another beer, and make sure it's cold this time or I'll f'k you up!"
Once again the attendant went and brought a beer, but forgot the tea.
Upset at being ignored, the young man decided to take the parrot's approach with this inept flight attendant.
"Listen bitch, get me some goddamn tea right now, don't f'k with me or I'll off your ass!"
Having lost his temper, the flight attendant rushed at the young man and the parrot shouting "motherf'kers! I'll show you!", grabbed them both by the neck and flung them out of the plane.
As they descended through the sky, the parrot turned and said to the young man "You know, for someone that can't fly, you sure do push your luck buddy!"
It is most definitely not groovy to live in the past, you dig?
"And get me a f'kin' heinekin while you're at it" demanded the parrot.
The attendant returned soon afterwards with the beer, but no tea.
"Hey asshole," shouted the parrot after finishing his drink, "get me another beer, and make sure it's cold this time or I'll f'k you up!"
Once again the attendant went and brought a beer, but forgot the tea.
Upset at being ignored, the young man decided to take the parrot's approach with this inept flight attendant.
"Listen bitch, get me some goddamn tea right now, don't f'k with me or I'll off your ass!"
Having lost his temper, the flight attendant rushed at the young man and the parrot shouting "motherf'kers! I'll show you!", grabbed them both by the neck and flung them out of the plane.
As they descended through the sky, the parrot turned and said to the young man "You know, for someone that can't fly, you sure do push your luck buddy!"
It is most definitely not groovy to live in the past, you dig?
Dwarves are awesome!!!
There was a psychic dwarf who escaped from prison. The headline in the newspaper the next day said 'Small medium at large'.
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